To eliminate or clear your face of acne it will require you take a variety of health steps. The use of essential fatty acids is but one step. I have identified 10 different steps but will only discuss one step in this article – using essential fatty acids.

Getting sufficient essential fatty acids is of prime
importance in clearing acne. It’s these fatty acids that help
to control the production of excess androgens – the hormones that
surge during the teen-age times It is androgens, which causes excess
sebum oil to clog your hair follicle and contribute to creating
your acne.

The three fatty acids you need to get daily are:

omega-3

omega-6

omega-9

When you are deficient in these essential fatty acids, you will
have,

A weaken immune system

Inflammatory disorders

Poor skin

Skin eruptions and other wounds that won’t heal

Sebum production increases (this is what happens

when you have acne)

Sebaceous glands size increases

Eating essential oils are necessary to provide you the right oils that
are used in the sebaceous glands. These oils can come from
straight vegetable oils or from oils in specific foods such as
nuts and seeds.

Here’s what you need to do. Use flax seed oil (omega-3 oil) and olive oil (omega-6 oil) in your salad. These are the best oils to eat and are called polyunsaturated fatty acids.

The other oil that is even better for you is called monounsaturated fatty acid or omega-9. This oil is found in avocados and somewhat in olive oil.

Most diets people have contain an excess of omega-6 oil (olive oil),
so mostly likely you need to concentrate on getting more
omega-3 oil (flax seed oil) into your diet.

You can get omega-3 oil from,

avocados

sesame seeds

pumpkin seeds

walnuts

dark leafy green vegetables (spinach, mustard greens, kale)

wheat germ oil

salmon

sardines

albacore tuna

Or, you can take one to two tablespoon of flax seed oil,
omega-3 oil, each day. This will give you the amount of
omega-3 oil that your body needs. You can add this oil to
your morning cereal, soups, smoothies, salads and other
liquid foods.

You can get omega-6 oil from,

olive oil

flaxseed oil

flaxseeds

grape seed oil

pistachio nuts

olives

sunflower seeds

chicken

evening primrose oil

pumpkin seeds

pine nuts

Taking 2-3 tablespoons of omega-6 oil a day will give you
the amount of this oil that you body needs.

So, to control those androgens and help your body reduce the production of acne or pimples start using more essential fatty acids.

Rudy Silva has a degree in Physics and is a Natural Nutritionist. He is the author of Constipation, Acne, Hemorrhoid, and Fatty Acid ebooks. His information can be seen at http://www.acne-remedies.for–you.info

Throughout time, man has sought to decorate the human body and this has
manifested as body painting, tattoos, piercing and for those a little squeamish or
less brave, decoration by the wearing of adornments generally know as jewelry.

In ancient times, jewelry may have been simple pieces made from natural materials such as shells plucked from the seashore or pebbles worn smooth and polished by years of being tumbled along the sea or river bed. These would have been strung
together perhaps as necklaces or wrist pieces as early examples of a charm bracelet.
Nature gives up so many beautiful things that can be used to make items such as
earrings, rings, bracelets, hair pieces and so the list goes on.

Skilled craftsmen would have laboured for many hours intricately carving small
pieces of bone, ivory or wood to fashion exquisite unique pieces of jewelry, no two
of which would ever be the same.

To ancient man, jewelry was not just decorative but very symbolic and the wearer
often held the belief that these trinkets were lucky, that they would ward off evil
spirits or that they would even help them defeat their enemies in battle.

To the Romans and Ancient Egyptians the wearing of jewelry and the type of jewelry
worn was a direct indication of a persons standing in the community. Large heavy
ornate pieces forged from solid precious metals such as gold, encrusted with
precious or semi precious gemstones were a sign to say – look how rich and
important I am.

Styles and materials may have changed over time but the wearing of jewelry has always been a practice
adopted by both men and women.

Over the years there has even been functional jewelry such as the medical alert
items, which have saved many peoples lives. Identity type bracelets worn by a
person who has a medical condition or requires vital medication have helped
medical personnel decide on appropriate treatment when faced with a person who
has been rendered incapable of communicating because of for instance an accident.

Over recent years, popular items have been the brightly coloured rubber bracelets
sold in aid of various charities, which demonstrate that the wearer supports that
cause and has donated money to help raise funds for that cause. Some
traditionalists may not regard these strictly as being jewelry although who said that
the article had to be expensive or made from precious metals to qualify for the
name.

In modern times, we have seen a huge increase in the type and variety of jewelry
available and the discovery of new strong and lightweight metals such as titanium
or other alloys has given rise to new many new possibilities. Man made materials
such as acrylics and plastics also lend themselves very well to the manufacture of
affordable, colourful jewelry and in the shops you can see many examples of
wonderful, bright and modern fun items, to be worn on any occasion as the mood
takes.
Whilst most of us choose to spend a little extra on that special piece of jewelry such
as our wedding rings, we now have an endless choice of less expensive everyday
jewelry which we can change to suit our mood or match our outfit.

Who knows what the future holds with regard to the designs and materials we will
have at our disposal to make attractive pieces of jewelry to be worn by both men
and women. One thing is for certain and that is that there will be a never ending
supply with something to suit all tastes and all budgets from the most traditional to
the most contemporary.

John Lewis runs Love2Have an on line jewellery website that only sells UK hand made jewelry including
engagement rings and wedding rings.

“I heard what you said, Red.

Yet, I have to disagree.
There’s nothing wrong with my voice,
You’re just filled with jealousy.”

“You just don’t understand, Tan.
Let me alleviate your fears.
It’s not about how well you sing,
But can you inspire listening ears?”

“What do you think, Pink?
Am I right or am I wrong?”
“I’m not really sure, my friend,
I have not heard the song.”

“Well, what about you, Blue?
Are your thoughts the same as mine?”
“To tell the honest truth, dear Red
I must hear it one more time.”

“Anything you want to say, Gray?”
“Yes, I don’t like what you’re discussing.
A hymn should soothe the troubled soul,
Not arouse this senseless fussing.”

“Wait just a minute fellow,” said Yellow.
“You’re going a bit too far.
After all, we’re engaged in tte–tte
Which is not so irregular.”

“Don’t think I’m being mean,” said Green.
“But a hymn is a sacred thing.
Though Tan does try his very best,
He really cannot sing.”

“I don’t think you’re right,” said White.
“To me Tan sings quite well.
Just take the time to listen
You’ll hear God’s word prevail.”

“Colors, colors, calm down,” cried Brown.
“Lest we inadvertently enrage
Each other to colorful battle…”
“Which would ruin us,” interrupted Beige.

“Now that is pretty bold,” said Gold
But true I must confess.”
“Anyone for gum?” inquired Plum
Looking pale and colorless.

“Sshhhh, the author is back,” whispered Black.
“Let’s table our concern.
We’ll pick up where we left off
When sunset once more return.”

Rev. Saundra L. Washington, D.D., is an ordained clergywoman, veteran social worker, and Founder of AMEN Ministries. She is also the author of two coffee table books: Room Beneath the Snow: Poems that Preach and Negative Disturbances: Homilies that Teach which can be reviewed on her site. Her new book, Out of Deep Waters: My Grief Management Workbook, is expected to be available soon.

You are welcome to visit AMEN Ministries: Your Soul’s Service Station for spiritual refreshing, soul edification, browse our newly expanded mini shopping mall or review our recommended books you may want to add to your personal library.

Blessings to all!

Having a very shaky financial condition may pose the risk of disastrous events or options– having to deal with higher interest rates, and worse –bankruptcy. However, there is light for the financially unstable– bad credit loans.

When one has a bad credit line, it might seem that his or her purchasing power is doomed. However, the financial industry gave birth to various types of financial assistance that come to the rescue when one’s financial future is in a downward spiral.

But first things first, what can actually cause a bad credit, you might ask. Bankruptcy is known as the main cause of bad credit. Common bankruptcy is one of those kinds of deals that are considered as last resort. When one is plagued with heaps of debt dilemmas, bankruptcy can be considered. What is the catch? Bankruptcy lasts for seven years on one’s credit record. This prompts lenders to deny you a loan. Not paying one’s debts on time on a regular basis is also one of the considered culprits of a bad credit score. This is because it tells lenders that you cannot be trusted to pay your debts on time. Moreover, those are the makings of a bad credit score.

So, what can one make out of a bad credit score? Go for a bad credit loan! This type of loan is one favorable option for those who are having a hard time to qualify for a regular loan. There are various forms of bad credit loans, these include:

bad credit personal loans
bad credit mortgage loans
bad credit car loans
bad credit debt consolidation loans
bad credit fast cash loans
bad credit home loans

Of course, the purpose for acquiring a bad credit loan will help in determining which kind of bad credit loan to choose.

After deciding on what kind of bad credit loan to get, here are some tips that will help one get the best deal:

Do not be impulsive.
Like any other transactions, jumping on the first bad credit loan advertisement is never advisable. The promise of reduced interest rates and low APR is not reliable. One should keep in mind that these types of loans are furnished at rates that are higher than other kinds of loans.

Do your homework.
Researching on which companies offer lower interest rates will make you land a better deal since higher rates for bad credit loans are inevitable.

Honesty is still the best policy.
Being straightforward regarding your current financial situation and your past financial misdemeanors will make creditors or other financial experts know what can really save you from your financial dilemma. Better interest rates may be offered if your real status is disclosed. Be aware of your borrowing rights, too. This way, you will be less gullible.

Do not get addicted to bad credit loans.
The rule of the thumb is that anything in excess is bad. This is also true with bad credit loans. Always opting for bad credit loans will again make one plagued with unpaid debts. So, better be moderate with these types of loans.

Learn from your mistakes.
Getting a bad credit loan is not easy and can make you shell out more in the long run. However, when done properly, it can aid one to reestablish his or her bad credit line.

For more information about bad credit loans, visit Bad Credit and Bad Credit Auto Loan

It happens every day of the year; a friend, who has had problems
with his/her own credit, wants to buy a new car, or perhaps
furniture for their apartment. The problem is that they don’t
have the cash do it, and because their credit is poor, they
can’t get the approved. They approach their friend and ask if
they would be willing to co-sign the loan. “I only need your
signature to get approved,” they say. “You won’t have to do
anything else!”

WAIT! CAUTION!

Before you co-sign that loan, there are some things you should
know. In reality, this isn’t merely signing the loan
application, but a very serious proposition. What’s more, if
things go wrong and the friend can’t keep up with the payments,
guess who would be responsible for the loan balance? That’s
right–you.

If you are thinking about co-signing a loan for a friend or
family member, why not first read the following in order to
understand what you’re about to get into.

Risk

If someone is asking you to co-sign a loan that means that the
professional lender is not willing to take a risk on them. In
other words, their past credit behavior has been so bad that the
lender doesn’t believe they will pay back the loan. What makes
you so sure they will? Why should you take the risk if the
professionals in the industry refuse? Furthermore, the
professional’s get paid interest to take risk, what do you get?

Responsibility

By placing your signature in the co-signers spot, you are
guaranteeing that if your friend doesn’t make the payments, you
will. Do you have the finances to cover the loan if it comes
down to that? Do you really need another car payment?

Credit Report

You’ve obviously worked hard to keep your credit report
spotless, which is why your friend wants it represented on
his/her application, but did you know that if your friend misses
a payment or becomes delinquent with his payments, that it will
affect your credit report? The lender will most certainly report
your delinquent co-signer payments along with your friend’s
delinquent payment. In fact, every payment or non-payment your
friend makes will be reported on your credit report.

Collections

If the account does go into collections, it is possible that the
lender could bypass your friend (who they never believed would
repay the loan in the first place) and come after you first.
This is true in most states, and it would be important to find
out where your own state stands on this policy.

In addition, you should be aware that by co-signing on a loan,
you may actually reduce the amount of credit you will be able to
get yourself because that loan payment will count toward your
“total payments owed.”

If you do decide to co-sign for a loan, there are some steps
that you should take in order to protect yourself.

First, you should ask to be notified in writing if your friend
misses or is late with a payment. By knowing of any problems
early on, it will help you keep the potential damage to your own
credit report from getting out of control. However, the lender
is under no obligation to notify you and most will not, until
the loan is seriously delinquent. At that point, it’s too late;
your credit has been damaged.

Next, you should also get copies of all loan documents and
repayment schedules. Ask for a copy of everything that your
friend gets in case there is ever a dispute, you will know what
legal rights you have.

Co-signing for a loan is serious business, and is something that
you should think long and hard about. Even if it’s your dearest
friend who is asking, you have to ask yourself if they defaulted
on the loan, what will that do to your friendship?

Wicker is one of the most popular classifications of outdoor furniture, but its many types and forms can make it confusing to understand.
Wicker is one of the most popular classifications of outdoor furniture, but its many types and forms can make it confusing to understand. It might surprise you to know that the term “wicker” does not refer to the material itself, but to the method of weaving any one of a variety of materials. These materials include rattan, bamboo, willow, or even fiberglass resin.

The history of wicker is a long one – ancient civilizations used it for baskets and seating, the Romans took it to Britain, and Portuguese traders carried it with spices and silks from India and distributed it throughout Europe. It fell out of favor around 1750 but was revived during the Victorian era when its smooth surfaces were thought to be more sanitary than upholstered furniture. This Victorian obsession with cleanliness and health was bolstered by the production of rattan wicker furniture in America beginning in the 1840s.

The frame: Check the frame carefully before buying, especially with an older piece of wicker. Experts can repair damage to the woven part of a wicker piece rather easily, but repairing a frame is a major job.

You may find antique wicker pieces with hardwood frames, but most frames today are made of either solid core rattan (preferable) or aluminium. If you’re buying a metal frame, welded is stronger than bolted.

Construction materials: Rattan is the most common material in “wooden” wicker pieces. It is the trunk of a climbing palm that is very long and thin, like a vine. The vine is native to the tropical rainforests of Southeast Asia and grows to lengths of up to 600 feet. Because rattan is a solid core plant, it makes sturdy furniture. Treated rattan pieces can be used in outdoor spaces that are protected from direct sun and rain, such as screened in porches or covered gazebos. Bamboo is a large tropical grass that commonly grows to over 100 feet. It is easy to identify because of the nodes along its surface and its hollow stem. Willow is more commonly used in Europe than in North America. The wood is light and durable and, because it retains its natural moisture, it is long lasting and easily woven. Fiberglass and resins are synthetic materials that are formed into long narrow vine-like pieces and woven into wicker furniture. Because dyes are often mixed right in with the resins, the color of such furniture is not subject to the same peeling and flaking that a painted piece is. Its durability and ease of care have given this type of wicker a permanent place in outdoor decorating.

Where to use it: Any non-resin wicker piece that is marked as “indoor use” only has probably been coated with a clear lacquer finish that will prevent scratching but will not provide adequate protection from the outdoor elements. Use it as advised – indoors. Limited exposure wicker furniture, intended for use on screened-in or covered outdoor areas, has additional finish layers. Highest quality pieces will have leather wrapped joints on the frame. All-weather wicker can be divided into two categories: loom-woven and synthetic. Loom woven wicker pieces use natural materials such as rattan, but are dipped in resin emulsions to form a moisture resistant shield. Synthetic wicker pieces, made from fiberglass or resin, often contain UV inhibitors that repel the damaging effects of the sun, harsh weather and temperature changes. Whether natural or synthetic, all-weather wicker will likely have aluminium frames. Even all-weather pieces should be put in storage for the winter months if you live in a cold climate.

With this information, you should be able to choose the wicker furniture that suits your intended purpose.

About the Author

Debbie Rodgers owns and operates Paradise Porch, and is dedicated to helping people create outdoor living spaces that nurture and enrich them. Visit her on the web at www.paradiseporch.com and get a free report on “Eight easy ways to create privacy in your outdoor space”. Mail to debbie@paradiseporch.com

The oven is an indispensable instrument to any kitchen these days. There are a lot of specific makes and styles of ovens available to lay your hands on. However, having load of different choices can definitely make your time hunting for a replacement oven a particularly tricky and baffling activity. One of the important factors of your choice is that you should obtain a new oven that will both meet your requirements along with your set budget. The cost of ovens can easily range from two-hundred pounds to £2,000. Here are several helpful tips you ought to mull over before splashing your cash on an oven. Find a diverse selection of electrical products such as; ovens, kettles and electric ovens from leading brands online.

The very first thing you ought to chew over is whether you fancy cooking with a gas oven, an electrical oven, or otherwise a duel fuel oven. In general, gas ovens warm-up quicker than electricity ovens. They also help to keep food moist during cooking due to the damp heat that they give out. Electric ovens regularly cook food considerably more consistently and much more rapidly in comparison to gas ovens, but they do take a significant deal longer to warm-up. You will be able to cook several diverse meals concurrently in an electricity oven as they are considerably more likely to be warmer at the top and cooler near the bottom. A duel fuel oven is an electricity oven with a gas hob. This sort of oven will offer you a much quicker cooking time than that of an electricity operated oven.

An additional important thing to dwell on when searching is the precise type of oven you will need for your apartment. One type available is a conventional oven. The temperature will alter all over with a conventional oven seeing as they are either warmed from the top or warmed from the bottom. The bottom will be colder than the top and the midpoint will be at a moderate temperature. These specific styles of ovens are just the thing for cooking roasts; whereas a fan oven will cook meals more evenly. All purpose ovens are a blend of fan ovens and conventional ovens and are therefore fantastic for cooking a wide selection of dishes. Lastly, steam ovens are ideal for those interested in healthy cooking as you don’t have to make use of any oil or fat. What’s more, you also can’t burn food in a steam oven.

The actual dimension is an extra factor that needs to be considered when trying to seek out the most suitable oven. Single ovens are the most fashionable type and come in many different styles and colours along with quite a lot of cooking functions. Double ovens are two times the size of a single oven. If you entertain regularly or have a huge family then this oven is just right for your needs, on the contrary small ovens are suitable for those who have limited available space.

Features that you ought to look for in an oven include; self cleaning and electrical controls. An oven that features electrical controls is best for cooking meals that need a specific cooking temperature.

With the hippest new catwalk designers for Autumn 2009 landing from across the globe each and every day on the web store and in the shops, there’s plenty of great new dresses to love. Let designer shop Matches introduce our hippest new high fashion designers and our new favourite dresses of the Autumn season, here is the designers to know right now. There’s an exciting buzz all around jewellery creator Alex Monroe’s pieces, not least because they are the most beautiful necklaces around but since the necklaces are decorated with buzzing bumble bees and almost singing birds. London’s darling Christopher Kane has yet again come up with the most eye-opening piece of the Winter 2009 season. This time it’s Christopher’s gorilla print t shirt for boys and girls that has Matches getting super excited. Furthermore, designer fashion store Matches have the fashion forward Clements Ribero back, designer clothing store Matches were 1st in line to purchase their Summer 2009 collection of deliciously soft cardigans with brilliantly lush embellishments. Stay up to date with all the latest Diane Von Furstenberg fashion styles.

Designer store Matches are presently stocking the all new and astonishingly unique necklaces and bangles by designer Hannah Martin. Jewels that are a little bit dark, a little bit decadent and terribly sexy. We bring you direct from an airy loft flat in New York City- Haute Hippy, the brand explains it all. The very best of both worlds combine for a wonderfully vintage inspired, amazingly made pieces that are stunning, sexy and incredibly cool. And now for the two J males, Julian David and the super Julien McDonald. With extremely soft, feather-light neck scarves in a variety of style Julian David is the accessory designer to watch and get all set to party in Julien MacDonald’s amazing dresses.

Be smitten by the latest collection to hit the boutique fashion stores, it is London based label Loha Vete by Max Zubari. These designer items are love-worn t shirts decorated with Zubari’s own personal statements of wisdom about life in general, love and anything in between. Show your heart on your sleeve and make everyday clothing a statement.

Be sure to visit the designer fashion store Matches online site for more information about these cool new fashion forward designers, the very latest must haves and the inside knowledge about all things clothing related on designer clothing store Matches daily blog.

1. Be predictable. When do seeds of suspicion emerge? When one begins to think, What’s up? Why is he doing that? He’s never done that before. That is so unlike him. He loses 30 pounds, buys a new wardrobe and comes home late from work. He changes his patterns. His behavior becomes unpredictable. You get the picture? Any movement away from predictable behavior can become suspect and trust can deteriorate. Focus on acting predictably if you need to build trust. Be consistent in what you do. This doesn’t mean you must be boring. If there is a twinkle in your eye and a dose of spontaneity every so often, for goodness sakes be spontaneous and fun loving. But, be spontaneous consistently! Be true to who you have always been and be that consistently, whoever you tend to be!

2. Inform your significant other when you become “unpredictable.” No one goes through life the same person. We all make shifts and changes. Frankly sometimes we may be fairly clueless about what is happening and where we are going. Those times may be very intense and we do some silly things or make some downright dumb decisions. Life can get very squirrelly and unpredictable. (I have a favorite phrase: Gold is refined through intense heat.) Growth in an individual, marriage or family often is accompanied by a little chaos. Welcome these shifts, for there is a part of you searching for something better/different/richer/deeper, but for heaven’s sake, inform your partner of what you are experiencing. Say, “I really don’t know what is going on in me right now, but I’m moving in a different direction. Be a little patient with me while I figure this out. I might do some silly things, but my intent is not to harm you or scare you. Accept some of my wondering and wandering and please be there for me? I may need to run some of this by you every so often!”

3. Make sure your words match the message. Mean what you say and say what you mean. When your partner hears one thing in your words but your tone of voice, body language and facial expressions are really saying something else, you open the relationship to some crazy making days. Which message is she to believe? This can waste a tremendous amount of energy and she learns not to trust part of what you are saying. Here’s a very simple but common example. You are getting ready to go to a formal dinner. Your wife comes to you and says, “How do I look?” (And she’s wearing a dress you don’t particularly like and her hair is pulled back in a way that turns you off.) Not to spoil the evening you enthusiastically say, “You look great.” You don’t really mean it and a part of her knows you really don’t mean it. But, you leave it at that. This might not seem like a big deal – we all have done something similar – but if trust is shaky to begin with, it is even shakier now. Here’s how to match the words with the nonverbal: “I think you are a beautiful person. I want you to know that. I love you dearly and it will be wonderful to have you by my side tonight. Others will see your beauty. (As you say this, you look into her eyes as you put your hands around her waist.) She’s not concerned so much with how she looks but is expressing a need for affirmation. She’s not talking about her dress or hair, but about wanting to know the evening is going to go just fine. You respond to the real message. You can take this one step further, if you like. At some point you might bring up her need for affirmation and talk about that. Ask her is there is anything you can say or do so that need is met. Trust is awareness of the intent beneath the obvious message and responding to that!

4. Believe the other person is competent. I hear this phrase very often: “But, I don’t want to hurt him.” A couple things are at play here. First, she may not have the skill of confronting the other with the truth in a way that brings reconciliation and understanding. She believes truth telling is destructive or entails some sort of drama. Neither is true. The truth is never destructive and can be conveyed in loving ways. (With that said, what we believe to be the truth may indeed be a distorted perception that fits our personal needs.) Or, she may see the other person as a wimp; someone she believes cannot handle rigorous personal confrontation. She doesn’t trust that the other person has the internal strength or stamina or skills to be in a relationship of mutual respect and equality. The other person picks up on this mistrust and does what he does (feigns inadequacy and incompetence) to avoid the personal confrontation as well. A dance is acted out. Believe and know in your heart that the other person, somewhere and somehow, beneath the games, has the internal strength and capacity to handle anything. Such trust builds trust in the other person and begins to pervade the relationship. “Hey, she thinks I can handle this! Hmmmm, this is mighty good! I CAN engage her and be truly intimate!”

5. Be very very careful of keeping secrets. If he knows there is an elephant in the room and doesn’t talk about it, the elephant takes up tremendous space in the relationship. It takes energy for him to walk around it. She may not see the elephant but knows he is bending his neck to look around something. She will be curious, mildly disturbed, have feelings but no words to wrap around them, might wonder if something is wrong with her or struggle with trusting her intuition (her intuition KNOWS an elephant is there.) And, when we can’t trust the messages that come from within us, we find it very difficult to trust the messages of the other person. Secrets demand tremendous energy and erode trust. The relationship is doomed never to experience wall-banging intimacy. This is why extramarital affairs are so damaging. She is not so much concerned about him having sex with someone else as she is about the betrayal, lack of trust, the secrets and deception that are crazy making and energy draining. Now, please. I’m not saying that you sit your partner down and divulge the 23 secrets of your illicit past behaviors. If you have resolved those, i.e. forgiven yourself, understand those behaviors, learned from them and were able to use them to make the internal shifts necessary for your personal development, they do not qualify as an elephant. Hopefully, in the course of growing intimacy in your relationship you may want to share some of those events as you disclose to your partner where you were and where you are now. You do so without emotional charge. However, if a secret takes up room, i.e. still has an emotional charge and holds you back from disclosing more and more of yourself in the growing stages of intimacy, you have a problem that needs to be addressed with your partner.

6. Let YOUR needs be known – loudly. Be a little – no, be a lot – self-centered. (Be self-centered, but not selfish!) Here’s a problem I run into almost every day. He is backing away (perhaps attached to work, another person, etc.). She feels the trust and intimacy eroding, is scared and wants to “win him back.” So she begins an all out effort to “work on the marriage.” She invites him to do so as well. He may reluctantly agree. She blasts full throttle ahead trying to “be nice” and meet every need he ever said he had. She’s going to “fill his tank with goodies.” Doesn’t work. Her eyes are riveted on him. He feels “smothered” or maybe even resentful: “Why is she doing this NOW!” She’s hopeful, but eventually that turns to resentment. Her underlying motive – if I meet his needs, he will feel good and meet mine – just doesn’t work. It’s perceived as manipulation, which it is. Of course, he doesn’t say anything. After all, how do you get angry with someone who is so “nice and caring?” Trust disintegrates under a blanket of quiet niceties. Start with your eyes focused on YOU. What do YOU need? Explore your personal need system. Dig beneath the surface. And then say to him: “I need…x, y and z. I would like to talk to you about them. I would like us to work out a way so my needs are met. Are you open to that?” He is empowered to say yes or no. Or, he may say, “What about my needs?” You respond, “I am very interested in hearing what is important to you, certainly.” Have you ever been around someone who stated clearly what they needed/wanted? Didn’t you respect that person? Because you knew where he stood, and therefore where you stood, didn’t that interaction move toward a trusting relationship?

7. State who YOU are – loudly. It is very sad to see those in relationships of emotional investment hold back from letting the other person know who they really are. You build trust in a relationship by entrusting your SELF to the other person. This sounds easy but I find it difficult for most to pull off. Most of us have a difficult time declaring our SELF. For one thing, if you’re like most of us, you haven’t given much thought to what it is that makes YOU truly YOU. Don’t you feel like you glide through life on autopilot, focusing on tasks, goals, accomplishments, problems and the external realities? Don’t you tend to focus on those things out there or that person out there? You’re concerned about what he is thinking, how he is responding to you, whether he likes you, whether he will be an obstacle and where he will fit in your life? Your conversations may be pleasant but fairly superficial and bluntly, boringly inane. You converse about things/relationships/events out there. You are reluctant to share your thoughts, values, and impressions or take a stand. This doesn’t destroy trust. But it doesn’t create it either. And, if you do take a stand it may serve the purpose of protecting you or entrenching you as you react against someone. This more often than not creates trust barriers. Take some time to reflect on your standards. What are your standards for a relationship? What standards do you hold for yourself? What do you order your life around? What are the 4 top values in your life? What are some themes that you live by? What are you known for? And then…begin letting significant people in your life know. They will respect you. They will know you more deeply. They will thank you for the opportunity to know you. They will see you as a person of character. They will trust you. They can count on you. They know exactly what is behind and within you.

8. Learn to say NO! Sometimes you need to say NO! Often it is crucial to say NO! Saying NO sets boundaries around you that protects you from being hurt or venturing into territory that will be destructive to your heart and soul. You draw a line. You stop tolerating that which drains energy and makes you less than YOU. You refuse to allow the destructive behaviors of others to destroy you. You build a moat around the core of your life. You do this by informing the other person of what they are doing. You request they stop. If they don’t stop, you demand they stop. If they don’t stop you walk away without a snide remark, eye-roll or comment. To some this seems harsh, but saying NO is RESPECTED. Fear is the basis of mistrust. If you fear that someone will hurt you and believe you have no recourse but to endure that hurt, fear will prevail. How can you trust when you are in fear? Saying NO, protecting yourself, sends a message to the other person that you will not live in fear. This usually triggers a response of respect from the other person. After all, if you can protect yourself and refuse subjugation to that which is destructive, will not the other person come to trust you and see you as a person who just might protect him/her from harm as well?

9. Charge Neutral. When your significant other expresses something powerfully, charge neutral. Most of us are afraid of strong feelings or points of contention in a relationship. I commonly hear people respond by defending themselves (to a perceived attack), explaining themselves, counter-attacking, shutting down, or walking away. Of course, the relationship remains stuck in this quagmire of mistrust and fear. Rather than reacting and having your feelings flowing all over the place or shutting down, practice charging neutral. Communicate calmness, not only in your tone of voice but also in how you carry your body. Don’t speak with a charge to your voice. Control your voice! Say what you must say, state the truth and do it directly and calmly. You can do this, once you master your fears. It will dramatically change the flow of the relationship. You will be able to point out something big, without making a big deal out of it. You will be in control of you. This not only feels great, but your partner trusts that you won’t fly or fall apart. You will experience your personal power. This makes you very attractive. Don’t people really trust someone who knows their personal power and how to use it for the welfare of themselves and others? Your partner will love the fact that she can trust you consistently to operate from your “quiet center,” remain engaged, not back down and speak the truth with conviction and calmness.

10. Dig into the dirt. Relationships of emotional investment, by their nature, bring trials, tribulations, fears, chaos, turmoil, change, stretching and growth. They become the grist from which your life is shaped and formed. Be fearless when faced with turmoil, upset, crisis, questions, and fears. When the time is right, seek them out. Move toward the frightening unknown. Dig into the dirt of your relationship and uncover the treasures. Do you really TRUST that this can happen? The purpose of your relationship is not to make you happy. Do you realize this? Happiness may be an outcome, but your other is given to you to move you to where you really want to be. Obstacles, trials and moments of pain are given as lessons on which you intentionally write the script of your life individually and together. Embrace the difficult. Trust that in this embracing you will find more of your true self. Trust that you are given the resources and capacity to face what you and your significant other are to face. Once you are able to believe and trust these ultimate purposes, trusting your significant other will be that much more easy.
Dr. Robert Huizenga, The Infidelity Coach, has helped hundreds of couples over the past two decades heal from the agony of extramarital affairs and survive infidelity. Visit his website at: http://www.break-free-from-the-affair.com/cmd.php?ad=139627

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